So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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