weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
