if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you win again, gameday.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
