I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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