I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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