dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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