He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
