She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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