Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
