Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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