Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
