My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
