I want to walk on stilts...naked
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
