Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
