Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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