whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
