Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
