Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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