so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
