drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
