this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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