I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Boobs speak an international language.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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