New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
