Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
