last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
