I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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