I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize