God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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