what day is it and did you see me today?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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