I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
