Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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