I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I fill condoms, not promises.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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