My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there was a trapeze. enough said
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
How external is "for external use only"?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize