Can i not drive my cunt home
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
