So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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