I think I died a long time ago.
no, he came in my armpit
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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