onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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