I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize