Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
