Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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