All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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