Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
