Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
zippers are such a cool invention
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
