Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
this hospital has no fireball
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
