So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
