12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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