Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
