he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
