So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
