Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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