Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
