Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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