She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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