she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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