well I can't set my house on fire every night
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I want a musical about memes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
