my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
